Getting Comfortable with “Rejection”

Rejection sucks, but there are a few things that suck more

• Having your time and energy wasted because someone is avoiding hurting your feelings

• Missing out on potential connections because you’re scared of being rejected

• Constant anxiety from pretending to be someone you’re not out of fear of being rejected for who you really are

There are strong reasons we fear rejection. It’s rooted in our need as humans to belong and have the safety that comes from being accepted by other humans. Back in the day, being rejected by the group = danger. Your feelings are valid.

But we’re talking about dating, not survival. We need to reframe the way we think about ‘rejection’ because in dating, in many ways, it’s more of a positive than a negative.

The positives of ‘rejection’

• A rejection means someone has decided not to waste your time

• It means you put yourself out there and now you can focus your time and energy elsewhere to explore new connections

• It frees you from anxiety caused by trying to force a connection that’s not quite the right fit

• It’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want

Reframing ‘rejection’

“I got rejected”. Most of us have said it at one point. I’ve personally said it many times.

‘Rejection’ is a handy little shortcut for telling people that a potential connection was ended unilaterally by the other person. But we need to be careful because that convenient little word also has baked into it subtle messages of not being good enough, and that’s where the negativity seeps in.

In the dating world, having someone choose not to progress things with you doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It means it’s not the right fit for them. And if it’s not right for them, it’s not right for you. They just figured it out first.

Why they didn’t choose you

We live in a society so focused on physical appearance that often the default conclusion we jump to is we’re not attractive enough. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say looks never factor into it, but there are SO many other factors at play. For example, here’s a list just based on my own personal experience…

• No sexual chemistry

  Maybe there’s no attraction - straight up. But maybe there is and somehow there’s still no chemistry…

  They check all the boxes. You find them attractive but for some reason you’re just not feeling a romantic spark. They’re a permanent resident of the friend-zone.

  There’s no point forcing it.

  Dang.

• No personality spark

  Basically the vibes are off. Sometimes you can pin point it (differences in sense of humour) and sometimes you can’t.

  That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, the spark just isn’t there.

• You care about different things

  It’s easy enough to navigate different interests, but when what you both really value doesn’t align, that can be pretty hard to work around.

  Maybe you value family time and helping people in need. Someone who values status and money probably isn’t the match for you.

  Having vastly different values doesn’t make anyone one right or wrong, just potentially incompatible.

• The timing is off

  Maybe you’ve been on the dating scene for a while and you know what you want and what you don’t want.

  All the other stars might align but if you meet someone who’s just out of a long term relationship and figuring out what they want, you might just have a timing issue on your hands.

  It’s a bummer but you can’t magically change timelines.

• Different relationship goals

  Finding out that someone has very different ideas of the ideal relationship can be a definite dealbreaker.

  Maybe one of you wants to move in quickly and share every aspect of life together as soon as possible. Maybe the other wants to maintain a lot of independence.

  Again, neither one is wrong, just not aligned.

• Limited time and/or energy

  Sometimes there’s a connection but for whatever reason you just can’t seem to get it together to move things along.

  Maybe work schedules don’t align. Maybe family commitments limit opportunities to get together. Maybe life is just kinda kicking your arse right now and you realise you just have too much going on right now.

  It happens.

• A bridge too far

  How far would you go for love? At what point does distance become ‘long’ distance? Across the river? To the other end of the train line?

  A long commute can seem like a small price to pay for love and happiness, but that commute can start to grind when things get real. Some people have more tolerance for it than others.

  Until teleportation is invented, this just might be one of those annoying barriers that gets in the way.

• They can tell you're not interested

  Yes, it’s possible to feel rejected by someone you’re actually not even that interested in.

  They might’ve picked up that you’re not interested (and/or one of the other barriers has popped up for them).

  Oh well, it’s for the best.

• They have a stronger connection with someone else

  It takes a little while to see where a connection might go. You might find yourself in a situation where you’ve got more than one connection that’s showing some promise. If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship, at some point you need to make a choice.

  If you’re not the “chosen one”, it’s not because you’re not good enough. It could be any of the other reasons or even that your connection is less strong because you haven’t known each other for long.

  You are no less worthy of being someone’s strongest connection, it just didn’t happen this time.

• That person is a sociopath

  Most of the time, the reason is a perfectly rational one. Every now and then, it can be kinda wild.

  If you’re unlucky enough, you might meet someone you really connect with who shows all the signs of being deeply into you. Then, all of a sudden, they flip the switch and ghost you.

  You’ll probably never really understand why but one thing is for sure - the problem is with them. Not you.

• and more

  Someone might not be the right person for any combination of these reasons and more.

  The moral of the story is that finding the right person is a process. It takes time. For most people, their perfect match isn’t the first person they match with and that means connections will come and go throughout that process, and that’s okay.

It is what it is

Accept that you’re not for everyone, just like everyone is not for you.

It’s important to have hope that a new connection might progress into something more, but the reality is most of the people you meet along the dating journey will not be your person.

Accept it and enjoy meeting new people. Hear their stories and share yours. Learn and grow by meeting people you otherwise might never have met. Dating can feel frustrating at times, but it can also be fun and interesting. Keep your mind open and your expectations grounded.