Balancing Hope and Realism

If I could share just one piece of advice for singles out there (especially those looking for a relationship), it would be to keep reminding yourself to balance hope and realism to protect against severe disappointment “dips” that are hard to come back from.

To put yourself out there and show up as the best and most honest version of yourself, you need hope. Without it you will struggle to bring positivity to interactions. You’ll lack the energy to connect.

On the other hand, getting your hopes up too high too soon can cause you to put the “love goggles” on that blind you from reality. This can set you up for extra disappointment that could’ve been avoided.

Coming back from deep disappointment is a real energy drain that makes it hard to keep finding hope to get back on that horse. You risk dipping past realism into pessimism and lingering in the “why bother” zone.

What we want to do is stay grounded in the realism zone to smooth the edges out. To avoid getting carried away. To avoid getting dropped on our arses if things don’t work out the way we hoped.

How do you get the balance right?

• DO set realistic expectations of people you meet. Don’t expect every person you meet to be the right one for you. Be open to just meeting a new, interesting person at the very least. Anything more is a bonus.

• DO remember, even if there is initial chemistry, it takes time to get to know someone, that’s just a fact

• DO stay curious and continue to ask questions to get to know each other before you decide they’re 100% the person for you

• DO explore different experiences together to see how you ‘work’ together in different situations and environments

• DO remind yourself that you don’t really know someone after only a few weeks of lovely dates. Life isn’t all lovely, exciting dates. You need to share and experience things together to know each other.

• DO pay attention to red-flags that don’t feel right. Don’t ignore them just because you really want this one to work out. Checking in with friends to get second opinions can be really helpful to get an independent point of view.

• DO match, chat and go on dates with more than one person in the very early stages of making connections if you’re someone who tends to fixate and invest a lot in one person.

• DON’T spend too much time building a connection purely through dating apps. Get out there and meet in person once you’ve decided there’s possibility of a connection. Things can change quickly when you meet face-to-face.

• DON’T over-invest emotionally and mentally plan your future with someone you don’t know yet (you don’t know someone after 3 dates. Sorry. You might still be seeing the “Instagram version”)

• DON’T assume you know how someone will deal with different situations before you’ve seen evidence of it. When we’re too far on the hope side, we tend to fill gaps with positive assumptions rather than staying neutral.

• DON’T double-down on hope because you want to avoid disappointment. A bit of disappointment is healthy, it means you were open to something new. What we’re trying to avoid early on is a disappointment crash that’s disproportionate to how well you know that person.

• DON’T be afraid of being real and honest about who you are, what you want and what your situation is early on.

• DON’T feel like getting to know someone is a waste of time if it doesn’t work out. It’s a necessary and unavoidable part of the process and, if you stay open and curious, it can be fun.

Got potential? Ask yourself these questions

If you feel yourself getting swept up early on. If you don’t have the answers, remind yourself you might need to get to know each other a bit more before you start planning your wedding. You don’t need to ask all of these questions in the first date! That would be intense. This is more of a check list to remind yourself that there’s a lot to know about people and it takes time.

• Do I know about their day-to-day life?

  • What does a regular day look like for them?

  • How much spare time and energy do they have?

  • What might they need to spend less time doing to spend time with someone new in their life?

  • How much time are you likely to be spending together? What are your expectations vs theirs?

• Do I know about their relationship history?

  • When was their last relationship? How did it end? How did they process that?

  • Do they have much relationship experience?

  • Do they have past relationship trauma? (e.g. cheating, manipulation, gaslighting etc)

  • Do they know about any past trauma you might have and what that might mean about your possible triggers, needs and reactions?

• Do I know about their relationship with their family?

  • Are they close with their family?

  • Do they have any family issues? What’s the story? Is there trauma there?

  • What are their hopes and expectations about the relationship their future partner might have with their family?

• Do I know how they deal with conflict?

  • Have you seen how they handle conflict?

  • Have they talked to you about previous conflict (with ex’s, friends, family, work colleagues etc) and how it played out?

  • How does their style align with yours?

• Do I know how they deal when things get tough in life?

  • How do they cope when life gets hard? (Do they distance themselves? Do they need extra support? Do they ask for help?)

  • How well do they regulate difficult and uncomfortable emotions? (disappointment, loss, grief, anger, betrayal, frustration etc)

  • How does that align to the support you’re able to offer to someone else?

• Do I know where they hope to be in 2 - 5 years?

  • Do you know what their life plans are relating to family, work, travel etc.

  • How do their plans align to your plans?

• Do I know what they value most in life?

  • What are the important values that will drive the direction of their life choices? (family, money, security, adventure, curiosity, stability, status, power, honesty, trust, health etc)

  • How do those values align to yours and what might that mean for compromises you might both need to make for things to work?

• Do I know how they are with responsibilities?

  • Do they shy away from responsibility and commitment or lean into it?

  • Are they good with money?

  • Do they actively take on their fair share of family responsibilities?

  • Do they actively take on their fair share of household responsibilities?

  • Do they show up for their friends?

… and does the person you’re seeing know these things about you?

In my opinion (based on experience), if you don’t have these answers, you shouldn’t be all-in, investing all your emotions at Hope Level 100, planning your life together. Have a healthy level of hope and a healthy level of realism.

That’s not to say you won’t get to that point where you are fully justified for being all-in. But it takes time and effort.

That time is never wasted getting to know someone before you decide to fully invest your heart and soul.

That effort won’t feel like hard work if you stay open and curious. It won’t feel like hard work if you find the right person.

Try to stay in the Realism Zone. Trust the process and be patient. As they say, you can’t hurry love.