Playing a Numbers Game
With online dating it can feel like there’s an endless stream of potential connections. Sometimes you might feel like you’re getting zero bites from fishing in that stream, then suddenly, the tide can turn and you might find yourself with more matches and potential connections than you intended.
Your number of matches at any time is likely to be highly related to the amount of time you’re spending on the apps. If you only jump on occasionally to swipe around for 5 minutes once every blue moon, you’re less likely to be faced with the “how many is too many?” dilemma. For those who have asked yourself that question, here’s my take…
How many matches is too many?
So, if the options are there, how many people should you be chatting with at the same time?
For me, chatting to any more than 3 people at the same time felt too much for my brain. But only chatting to one person made me feel there was a risk of over-investing in that one connection before having the chance to get to know them beyond initial conversations. Obviously you can just create more matches out of thin air, but, personally, I was most comfortable in that 2 - 3 chats sweet spot.
Having said that, everyone’s ideal number is different.
The main point here is that it’s okay to be chatting with more than one person (assuming you’re not already committed to focusing on building an exclusive connection with someone you’ve already met). You should assume other people are doing the same. That’s not because they don’t see potential in their match with you… they don’t know you yet so it makes sense not to shut down other potential connections right now.
How many people is too many to be dating at one time?
The answer to this is highly personal, but here’s my 2 cents…
In my time on the apps, I went on a lot of dates. I invested more time in dating than I’d recommend for any normal person. But I really wanted to find the illusive “my person”.
I once went on 5 dates with different people in one week. I don’t recommend it. I was being impatient and trying too hard to find a connection. I was spending way too much time and energy trying to play the numbers game to eventually find that strong connection. It was exhausting and dumb.
While 5 dates in a week might be overkill, when you aren’t in an exclusive relationship and you’re just meeting people, there’s nothing morally or ethically wrong with going on dates with different people to see what connections might have potential.
For me, again going on dates with 2 - 3 different people seemed like a manageable number when it’s just first and second dates.
I was very open about the fact that I was chatting with and meeting other people, so everyone knew the situation. The vast majority of people are doing the same thing - meeting different people and seeing what clicks and what doesn’t before deciding to go exclusive. I know this because I had conversations with them about it.
A couple of people I met on first dates weren’t comfortable with me going on dates with other people after that first date. For me, one date is waaaayyyy to soon to be locking anything down before you’ve had a chance to get to know each other, so we parted ways. It signalled an incompatibility that couldn’t be overcome.
Personally, as someone looking for a long-term relationship, I found that after 3 dates with someone, I’d know enough to decide whether that was a connection I wanted to invest in exclusively or move on from.
What’s your dating style?
What’s right for you depends on a lot of different factors. What you feel comfortable with might be very different to the next person. What’s important is, you do what feels right for you and you talk to the people you’re dating about your situation and what works for you. If you meet someone who has a very different outlook, it’s best that you both know up-front.
